just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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