he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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