Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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