Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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