There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
