I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
