it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
