Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
