Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Randomize
