He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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