new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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