The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
