You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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