forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
