I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
