I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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