Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
