Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
