She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
