Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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