I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
