He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
