Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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