I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
