y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
