Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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