He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
