you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize