Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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