i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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