So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
