I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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