So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
