Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
