He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
