So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
