your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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