yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
