I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
