Your dad touched me again.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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