Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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