Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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