I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
