I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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