I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
