Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
