Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
