My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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