Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
