I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
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