Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
