you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I feel like abortions should bother me more
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
