I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize