Swine flu. Run for my life!
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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