I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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