She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
