I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
