It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
