Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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