I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
