Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
