i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
