I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Randomize
