you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
