If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
