Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
My balls are so social today.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
