did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
