Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
