Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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