so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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